Good topic to bring up. Longfellow attended two weddings this weekend, and I have also been thinking about this strange loaded word/feeling called love. Your gushy words are not sickening, but made me smile, and wonder...
And get the irony - tonight I went to see an off-Broadway musical called "Five Course Love" and it was about none-other than this very subject! I just got home, and still thoughts muddle around in my head. It's a big freakin mud pie in there.
It just seems like such a mystery to me. Well, it is a mystery to me. I have never been in love. The closest thing I have come is when Nate (gay best friend) and I convinced each other we loved each other enough to get married. Of course that was dysfunctional. I just don't understand love sometimes. But this is a difficult topic to discuss. I sound like I am having a pity party for myself, but I am not. Or I end up sounding cynical. Or sometimes just a dreaming hopeless romantic. But what is worse, and true, I have simply settled into being a realist. Lukewarm and somewhat pessimistic. I don't know. Dare I even get started on this? I just wonder sometimes if it is possible for me. I am used to being alone and comfortable in that independence. Yet, I want to share things with someone else. But I don't want to settle. I don't want just random physical encounters. But I hold back, put up walls, and convince myself that things wouldn't work even before they start. Also, I love my guy friends, so when I look at a guy I want it to be friendship usually first off, and of course any love starts with friendship, just a unique kind of friendship. I don't want to lose the chance to have that person in my life. And friendship is sooooo much easier and less complicated. Plus, admitting you care about someone is such a scary horrible feeling. Of course, as Carla has shown us, it is worth it.
Most of all, I know I am just scared. But at the same time, I haven't really come across many guy that I am interested in and vice versa. Or I am interested, and they are not. Or vice versa. Blah blah blah. I feel like a broken record sometimes.
I am thinking about going to Walden pond this weekend. It sucks that you can't camp there. That is what I want to do. I have considered just packing my sleeping bag, and just squatting for a night. They probably check for people like me though. It is a state park now. I suppose I could find the boundary line and sleep on the other side of it. Sometimes I miss having a car. I really want to get out of the city this weekend, and take a little road trip. Hell, maybe I will just rent a car. No, that costs like $100/day here. Maybe I could just find someone with a car. But I can also manage other things. I was thinking about just going to Boston and then doing the city and Walden. Or Cape Cod. But I really think I want to be outside - in nature. It really is a perfect opportunity before it gets cold. Plus I get a three-day weekend thanks to Columbus day. Hmmm.....but then I have to decide if I want to go alone or with other people. I know there is a group of people who would like to go, but organizing a group thing might be trickier. I could just hop on a trail and go. But there I go again - miss isolato. I love others, and I enjoy nothing more than having a group of cool people around me. But I also enjoy "my" time. And I haven't had much opportunity to be alone since i arrived. Other than the alone among millions of people gig. Or alone when my roommate is gone. Anyway, I am rambling. Something will come up.
So, in this world of people longing for love and connection, what do you guys think - is it best to go looking for love, or just to let it find you?
sc :)
