Shared Thoughts of 4 Former English Students

Thanks for the comforting words, BL. I am feeling much better. It is odd, though, that all the realizations I made the other night I can still feel/see -- I'm just not freakin' out about it anymore.

So HOoRay! its the weekend (almost). Tonight I am going to go out with K for sushi and some live acoustic music. The rest of the weekend thankfully I have no plans. I think I'll do some drawing and perhaps finally go and buy my easel and oil paints I've been eyeing. Other than that -- just need to fix K's phone charger cable -- the tiger chewed through it -- again.

I enjoyed reading your poetry on your blog. You sound as though you are going through a tough time spiritually -- what do you think has brought this on?

Love,
Cd

oh friend, i believe your diagnoses of "bad trip" is perfectly accurate. and the 14 hr. part sounds like LSD as well. i've never known it to be put in brownies, but everything you described is quite familiar to me. you might recognize some of your sensations in my essay "Faith and Drugs." like you observed, it is particularly easy to see through newscasters. there's a disconnect which makes the whole thing seem contrived.yes, friends can seem like strangers, the world is, in a sense "unveiled" as fake, and many perceptions of reality are called into question. i call it "terrifying." everything swells up into something bigger than what it is in a normal mental state, which i guess is why people like the drug--good things can become the most beautiful things in the world and bad things can become the most horrifying.

did anyone prepare you for what was happening or try to help you through the experience? it was always very important for me to have a "safe" place in mind during those experiences, either a place or certain music--something, because the journey is always unpredictable

i hope you're feeling better. call me if you want to talk more.

-bl

Wow -- that sounds creepy. Was he talking to you, do you think? Cause then that is even scarier.

Okay -- so I've officially had my first "bad trip." Let's just say that I ate something last night instead of smoking it -- and seriously thought i was going to die.

2 cold showers; 2 glasses of water; and 14 hours later -- my head is still swimming. I don't even know if I can make it through the day. I don't know what was in those brownies -- but i was FREAKING out. Seriously. I thought that there was something physically wrong with me -- that my heart was going to burst. I was so freaked out that I actually puked. Yeah. Freaked out.

I was watching TV and suddenly everything quit being funny and all I could focus on was that it was a filmed play. And everything seemed so fake and contrived. Even news programs. And the K looked unfamililar -- like I didn't recognize who he was.

You guys ever had that happen?

C

i have to share this story. i'm in a study room at the downtown KC library (beautiful old building) with a stack of John Donne books and a growling stomache. i'm safely locked in here for another hour and fifteen minutes, but a bit ago i went to the bathroom and made use of one of the two stalls. the other was occupied, and i could hear the newspaper rattling. then i heard, "that is one dumb mother fucker." is this guy crazy? i thought. is he commenting to the newspaper or is he talking to me? "stupid motherfucker," he went on. "he must be the stupidest motherfucker, and he must be deaf. dumb motherfucker i'm gonna kill you."
i was starting to freak out a little bit at this point. i grabbed my bag, left the stall and washed my hands, sorry to see there was a blow dryer instead of towels, but i used it anyway as the guy flushed and emerged from the stall looking pissed off and hurrying out of the bathroom. i was pretty sure then i had violated some code of ethics i didn't know about, but it certainly won't happen again! so i'm safely locked in here and hopefully the study rooms are bulletproof too. (it's a great library though, really)

skepticism is good, yes. i can tell you where it leaves me. at times it leaves me wishy-washy, sure of absolutely nothing, but most of the time i hope it leaves me still seeking, hoping the verse is true that says "search for me with all your heart and you shall find me."
my favorite christian writers are the ones who openly admit their many doubts because i say, yes, this man or woman is honest and worth listening to. (Anne Lamott, Philip Yancey, Frederich Buechner, to name three) Buechner has a book called Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC. it's just a big dicitionary of terms. he defines agnostic as "some people all of the time and all people some of the time." i've explained agnosticism recently as the attitude that says If i can't prove anything i won't believe anything, which reminds me of Life of Pi, of course and the question of whether believing something is better than believing nothing. is having faith better than having no faith?
the truth is, sometimes adherring to a faith seems to cripple me, it seems to put a boundary around my actions that i'm fearful to break through. (and like you wrote, Carla, my parents' ideas about faith help create this fear to leap out into the world exactly as i wish). i think when i feel this way, i'm far from understanding divine love. and at other times, i think i would drown and suffocate in this world, actually die of fear if i didn't have a belief i could call on someone or something other than myself for help and love.

Do you ever just want to be able to take a personal vow of silence and not have to talk to anyone.

Today I just want everyone to not talk to me and let me be in my own little world. I don't even want to have to open my mouth. I'm not in a particularly bad mood -- I just don't want to have to deal with other people.

No small talk; don't ask me anything.

Interesting that your last entry, BL, almost had a religious vibe to it. It strikes me as funny that I haven't even thought about religion or God in a long time. I wonder what that means.

I have been having issues lately with the validity of the Christian faith. Even if Jesus was a real man -- was he really the son of God? What proof do we have other than years of people believing everything they were told. If he was real and performed all these miracles -- then why didn't more Jews step up to save him?

Skepticism is healthy -- but where does it leave you spiritually?

CD

Bob Dylan had a friend who would get drunk and "say crazy things." Here's one of them that I hope I can live out: "Remember Bob, no fear, no envy, no meanness." Simple but not easy, eh folks?

Ah yes, Carla, knowing "who I am." A friend wrote me a note a while ago that said, "It's times like this I wish I knew myself better." Recently I heard someone say "Perhaps we shouldn't be focused so much on knowing who we are." They of course had a suggestion as to what we might do instead, but I can't say I remember what that was. I'm sure it was something religious or spiritual, though, something like a better goal would be to know who Jesus is. I wonder if I would be willing to become like him if I knew exactly what that meant? i suspect i might resist. i also heard recently we probably could get as much healing from serving others as from going to counseling. i think i believe it. when i lose love there's always a point where i realize i have to find something or someone to give to. and yet, seldom do i follow through.

this should be the URL for my blog: http://belongfellow.blogspot.com/

you must check this out as well: http://www.andrews-art-page.com/

this is my friend Andrew Hendrixson's web page--isn't that awesome Sarah!- he is a true and beautiful artist

Its so easy to become what other people expect us to become. There are the big things that we do "for" our parents -- that are in the end really good for us -- like getting good grades and not making friends with the scary kids, going to college. But then there are things that our parents indoctrinate in us -- that they have preference for -- but in the grand scope of things don't really matter. What clothes to wear, how to talk, where to live, etc... Depending on your parents this could get really detailed (such as with mine -- who even give disappointed looks when they see the little buddha statue I have in my living room).

That said -- I have been starting to wonder -- am I the way I am because this is truly how my mind and body and soul choose to be -- or am I this way because I was taught to be this way? I fear that it is the latter of the two.

So I need to start allowing myself to be a bit freer -- not so afraid of making a mistake. Opening myself up to the possibility that there are other wonderful ways to live. I want to go out and experience more life -- without fear of judgement from my parents. I have taken baby steps that way (I DO live with my boyfriend -- but I feel guilty about it sometimes -- only for my parents tho), but I don't think that I truly know who I am. I have a strong sense or feeling of "who I am" -- but what if this person I have created -- was created in the image of something I'm not.

Any suggestions on something I can do to expand my mind -- or step out my comfort zone?
CD

So glad to see someone else one here. I was getting lonely. What's the URL for your blog, Mr. L?

Alas I have not seen any of those movies you mentioned. I did however watch the "new" Wallace and Gromitt the other day. It rocked.

It is supposed to rain tonight -- so I thought that I would sit on my patio and have a glass of wine and a cigarette -- too bad you guys aren't here to share it with me -- but be sure that i WILL be thinking of you. -- in dirty ways, Tom.

I need to get some focus again. Isn't it funny how days start speeding by and it feels like we're getting nothing done but put the food on the table. That is how I feel lately. A littel unfocused and lazy.

Like the ex-wife, eh longfellow -- perhaps this is the one that was meant to be ...

Love you all,
CD

not rainy in K.C. today, but kind of cold and windy. at Mildred's, my everyday coffee shop with its painted ceiling tiles and tattered furniture and a barista who looks like my ex-wife. across the street a section of historic downtown Overland Park is missing, burnt to blackened brick from a fire a few weeks ago. i've got a john donne critical article in my lap but i'm spending most of my time looking up music on i-tunes. anyone want to write my effing paper for me?

saw V is for Vendetta last night. it is fun to watch, almost constantly entertaining, and natalie is still gorgeous with her head shaved.

has anyone seen Confederate States of America?

i started a blog of my own with crappy poems and private prayers etc. it's called scribbles and if you want your life to be truly full, you should check it out.
-bl

i published yesterday and deleted today. my conscience poked at me last night after writing bitter things about my ex-girlfriend, who i claim to love. i hear all the lessons about love, about letting go and living on and all that, but i don't know how to make those lessons come true in my heart. i often wonder how much control i have over who i am. perhaps that's my problem--trying to have control at all.

here's my recommended movie: No Direction Home, a documentary of Bob Dylan. when the first half was over, i called it "overly inspiring." my friends kenny and aimee agreed it was "overwhelming." i wanted to stay up for the rest of my life creating whatever is in me.

of course, when i sit down and demand creation from my head, i am stoned dumb.

today i'm in love with the barista at the Crave coffee shop on 39th st. in midtown k.c.

-bl

I watched an incredible movie last night and thought that I'd recommend it to you folks.

Its called Proof and it stars Gywneth paltrow -- its about a famous mathematician and his two daughters -- one who is a recluse like him and one who left to live in new york. Its one of those movies that makes you feel like you are going crazy when you watch it -- and then when its over you feel really inspired.

Rent it.
CD

Money is to root of all evil. Cliched and true. But in a suprising way. When you suddenly find yourself making money for the first time in your life -- you find that you are even more tight with it -- trying to pay off everything you've ever owned, buy the things you've always needed, and save for the things you've always wanted.

Screw being an adult.

On a lighter note. It is the weekend AND since I have the whole night to myself tonight I am going to work on a new project -- my "sex and the city" column. I have so many good life lesson stories that just keep on a coming from my female friends. Dumped, broken hearted, sleep around, casual sex. Such great material and its all right there.

Ehhh. So that's about it. Glad to see Mr. Longfellow is voicing in again -- but what of Tom?

Cd